talkbackapril

its been a long time that i really sat in front of the pc and get updated. our dsl is not cooperating pajud kai pirme lag akong ym and dugay kau muload ang page.. grrrr anyway,  ive been going out everyday (take note: day, not night) for two and a half weeks straight, except for last weekend kai my laundry could not wait nah.. a series of making pasikat in the mall, inum, foodtrip, window shopping or plain tambay-ing were all squeezed into my schedule of getting my pre-job requirements.

speaking of which, pirting sangita nako sa medical exam!! i have been xrayed before and nothing came up so i was kinda shocked when they told me they found something in my lungs that need attention. of course, i was worried right away considering ive been smoking nonstop for 5 years. so i made arrangements to see a pulmonologist at once but before that i punk’d my mom about my results. when i came home that night she asked me what was wrong with me daw. i told her i have TB and im dying.!!! nag yaw2x pko wen i went to sleep not knowing na she overheard me saying" mamatay bitaw ta tanan, unhan nlng gud!!". she thought i was really serious about the whole TB thing but i wasnt. so i kinda felt bad about it. when i t0ld her later that it wasnt really TB, gidapog bitaw ko ni SUSAN!!! atay nlng…but i know i did deserve it after all, im not supposed to joke about stuff like that.

by the way, what really happened to my lungs was that theres a cluster of tissue there. i figured scar tissue would be a better term for it since it happened when i was a baby and there was a wound daw in my lungs but ni-heal na xa, thus the cluster of tissues. tissue ha as in scientific, dli paper!!!

anyway, i went to the wedding of my cousin and i always get instantly high when im in one of these. they just make me believe in true love and that it exists somewhere. maybe not now for me but i feel happy that true love exists and is happening for them. but as usual, at the reception, hab2x rako kutob.! i cant even touch the wine bottles!! sus, if they only know how we guys drink!!! ahahah dli nlng..

finally, my sister came home nah.. after sa ilang immersion sa budlaan.. haaay… pirting laua man nuon ato and 2 weeks without her is boring!! i rarely talk when im at home and especially when shes not around. shes the only one i talk with other than the usual replies i give out to my parents and brothers. so the two weeks without her was, in fact, such a hell for me since i wanted to make chika nah… anyway, now that shes home, ill bombard her with all my stories!!! wheeee!!!

ohhh… i thought that once i have a J-O-B it is easy nah. but i was in for a surprise jud when i was making a lot of trips to the other city (sa cebu city bah.. tga mandaue bya ko.) to get the necessary papers. mas lisod now kai i have a previous employer and there were stuff that i had to get from them sad.. (which meant another trip to mactan!!!) haaaayyyy.. plus all the constant worrying if your money will get you through the day.

hmmm, on that note, yesterday, daphne saved me from an embarasing fate of begging sinsilyo from the other people in the police station. i was there to get my police clearance and i thought that i still had 100 pesos left. when i checked my purse, i only had 53pesos left to my name!!! waaaaahhh!!! so i paid 50 pesos for my picture and the printout of  the clearance (the total amount to get a clearance is 85pesos). and so i couldnt even get a jeepney ride out of what was let of my money. anyway, thanks to the power of GLOBE UNLITXT (plugging na ni du.!!), i was able to contact daphne to get me out of the fix i was in. so daphne saves the day, once again folks and once again, i owe her 200bucks!!! hahaha

on the subject of work, ill start working na by JULY!!!!! wheee!!! if tinuod ang gi ingon ni miss charisse nko, dawat na di ko!!! hahahah im not at all confident about it kai im prepared to go out there with a sullen look on my face and hating it… but i cant afford to pass this up kai finally, mgkakwarta nko by the end of july!!! that in itself is something to keep in mind kung mutukar akong hate sa J-O-B. and a thing to look forward to!!!

by the way, i hate it when this happens jud!! kanang akong supposed friend ba kai dli managad sa YM.. and the last time akoy ni una og tagad niya, kai gi brush of btaw kog excuse nah im with my gf right now… nya??!!!! nanu ga online paman ka!!!!!!! buang man guro ka!!! so even if nindot na kau e-chika unta niya about life, dli nlng ko.. muna hangtod karon, wa jud me nagtagad..well nanu man sad akong ipugos akong self niya noh… kalisod anang attitudah oi…whooosah…

change cd beh!!!!

its fun to get together with friends especially when we havent seen each other for a while. all the other kabuang that we made in the past few months, ma-ungkat lage!!! hehehe and all the hidden chika and intriga are there, out in the open and for you to digest, if you were only keen enough to spot it.. hahaaha im not telling anything specific here, its just a bit of a teaser for my friends who might read this. and im not telling jud kai i promised… so please understand. its one thing to tell the others about it and its another thing if they figured it out on their own and all you have to do is nod your affirmation… right? or maybe parehas ra nah nga ni blab ka…. hmmmm… i dont know.!!! its hard jud when people come to me to tell their problems or secrets and theyll beg you not to tell a soul.. well, its easy na di now kai ive been hiding secrets forever.. ako pah!!! hahaha

on a lighter note.. i finally have cindie’s mp3!!!!hahaha sori dai, im so mabaw og kalipay and considering na im not earning at all (yet!!!), im happy with a secondhand, in good condition mp3..!!! now i finally have music anywhere i go!!! heheheh

ive been typing on and on and on nah… ako gi tingub akong blog kai ni andar akong pagkatapulan.. hehehe

sakto nah!!!!!

i suppose i should be celebrating since i have done something right this time. getting IT was no piece of cake and i admit i was pleased with the results. finally, my parents will now stop bugging me and i have redeemed myself in their eyes. but something else is bothering me, not because this is going to be another challenge, but its because i dont want IT. id rather be stuck now not doing anything yet and wait for something that feels "just right" than be forced to do something that i said i would not do before. unfortunately, i dont have the luxury of waiting around for that something that would feel "just right". i need this and so does my family. theyve been holding their breaths, waiting and hoping that i would finally move my lazy ass. now that theyve gotten what they want, i wonder if i should go along with them…??

i have always envisioned banks to be a prison, a stifling environment that will only keep me locked in and ill never be able to do anything fun. although some people are confident about starting in one, im not. i dont want to be in the same industry as marcos. by the way, i associated working in one with MARcos who is a control freak, very meticulous with the small details and very organized. i am not one of those things jud and i wonder if ill survive. which brings me to another worry… they are expecting their "newbies" to last like a hundred years in their company.. "the bank grows and you grow with the bank", ive heard them say… yes, but what if i dont wana grow old with you guys?  i absolutely dont want to have another marcos at home!!

next week, ill start getting my pre-employment papers already.. and this fact just does not console me. i am still waiting for that other thingie but i figured, i might have been too late for that. which brings me to this….. im gona celebrate alright.. and prepare myself for another misery-laden training…

i cant believe its been a year already. time does fly so fast and you never expect things to turn out the way they are.

yesterday, i met up with my batchmates in wats. we were batch 51 pips and we kinda started the whole "having a theme song" for every batch. so they picked "wonderful journey" and we made up steps to the song.. it was fun and everyone took part.. weeeelll, that was a year ago.. as i was saying, we met over pizza at yellowcab mango and we started reminiscing.. haaaaayyyy. those were the days… i found that two of my batchmates are now an item and that out of 32 trainees, only 14 of us remained now in wats.. hehehe im not one of them, for sure.. i also found out that wats management is getting very strict.. as in restricting smoke breaks to 3 minutes..!! how in the hell could you enjoy your ciggy for 3 minutes?? hehe im glad wa nkoy labot ana.. los..

i saw that most of my friends changed for the past year. like agnes who was from leyte and i couldnt understand her before because of her mga"ajo-ajO’ thing, now i can and she lost that leyte accent she had when we first started. and christy and mona both nanambok.. and cyril has cancer of his throat.. and i cant believe he’s stil working there! and lynet is still the same old lynet.. "red horsE lynet".. kinda like me.. heheh but they told me i got thin again and ni-intsik og samot!! as if that could ever happen.. haller!!! and they all were happy that i finished school nah since i was the only student at that time, last year i mean.. but they did not want me to go back to wats, luckily, since i wasnt even thinking about it!! hehehe

sadly, i dont have pictures though. im gona check with the others if they have because its such a momentous occasion and sayang kung way pics na save…

ONE STAR HANGOVER         

No pain. no real feeling of illness.. your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. be glad that you are able to function relatively well. however, you are still parched. you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. even vegetarians are craving a cheeseburger and a side of fries.

TWO STAR HANGOVER    

Slight headache. dont feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. you may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. the coffee you try to chug and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money since all you can really handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk emails.

THREE STAR HANGOVER  

definite headache. stomache feels crappy. you are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. anytime a girl walks by, you lurch because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic buds after the bouncer kicked you out after midnight.life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a liter of coke watching Good Morning Jud! youve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 chorizos and a liter of diet coke — yet you havent peed once.

FOUR STAR HANGOVER   

your head is throbbing and you cant speak too quickly or else you might honk. you have lost the will to live. your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. you wore nice clothes but that cant hide the fact that missed an oh-so-crucial spot of shaving or it looks like you must have put on your makeup while riding the cab, your teeth have big sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of UROT national highschool circa 1976. you would give weeks pay for one of the following: 1. home time, 2. a divan or somewhere to be alone, 3. a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

FIVE STAR HANGOVER    

you have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee next to you. death seems like a pretty good idea rioght now. you cant focus as your eyes scrunched against the overpowering glare from yur computer screen. Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. you still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least thats what you think it is. you dont give a damn anyway. your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. youd cry but that would take all the moisture thats left in your body. talking is not even an option. your boss doesnt even get mad at you and your co-workers seem to think that your dog just died. you look so pathetic. you should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe…. very gently…

i found this article on sunstar newspaper. it was posted by charlston tomelden. i have no idea who this guy is but thanks to him, he more or less summed up everything i felt during these hellish aftermaths. this also goes out to my 1star or 5star alcoholic buds that managed to keep up with the mighty calling of being an ALCOFREAK…

raise your shotglasses ya’ll and a toast to us!! more life!! more beer!!

haaay…. again…. back to square one….

it took only just a swing and im again enchanted…..

i was ok for the most part nah… never thinking about it… and life’s complexities….

i thought i was invincible already… just minding my own…

but here we go again…

im back to where i was 4 months ago….

i wont even bother thinking about it…

it will only lead to more waterworks… something i dont need right now…

its been sooooo long nah…

let’s stop….

BOY: I saw her today
GIRL: I saw him today

BOY: It seems like its been forever
GIRL: I wonder if he still cares

BOY: She looks better than before
GIRL: I couldn’t stop staring at him

BOY: I asked her how things were going
GIRL: I asked about his new girlfriend

BOY: I’d choose her over any girl im with
GIRL: He’s probablly really happy right
now

BOY: I couldnt look at her without starting
to cry
GIRL: He couldnt even look at me

BOY: I told her I miss her
GIRL: He doesnt mean it

BOY: I meant it
GIRL: He didnt mean it

BOY: I love her
GIRL: He loves his new girlfriend

BOY: I held her for the last time
GIRL: He gave me a friendly hug

BOY: Then I went home and cried
GIRL: Then I went home and cried

BOY: I lost her
GIRL: I still love him

unemployment sucks, big time. i was elated that finally i finished school and stuff. but i now i am not so sure. i have been getting a lot of "talks" from my parents lately. talks with the word "job" on it, insert a negative force called "pressure" and my stomache is all in knots. i dont want to be pressured but they certainly have a point in all their jabbering. now, im absolutely torn between choosing what i want (meaning be a bum for some period of time) and doing what im told to do (meaning get off my lazy ass, battle the heat and go to interviews).

i have this fear of being rejected man gud.. plus disappointments.. i have been getting a lot of them lately (disappointments bah) and feel nako nahadlok na ko madisappoint blik.. i hate the feeling.. i know i have to face the fact that not all interviews that i go to they would like me. especially if they require good scholastic records (which i dont have in my last year).

i have actually gone on 2 interviews pa…  i try to be pleasant man but i cant help it if i dont have an answer to a stupid question like "tell me something about yourself…" which by the way, i answered with all stupidity:" there is nothing much to tell.. what do you wana know..??" you should see the hiring manager’s face and the look she gave me.. that’s when i knew i blew it.. but to my surprise, they called the next day.. i got until to the third interview and i asked all the details about the job and the salary and the benefits.. i did not like it though and i told them "id like to give it some thought" which i think they took as a "NO". hehehe my mistake.. i shoulda taken it… but its no use crying over spilled beer.. shit happens…

now its a saturday and im postponing my job hunting escapades till next week.. seriously, i have a very bad case of "mañana habit". i just realized that now. hehehe i hope that by next week, i can definetly get off my lazy boney ass and lasso some jobs.

all this thinking about work, or my lack of work, gives me a migraine……

yey….. i think…

for the longest time i have been hounded by these premonitions hours before a message….

its a good feeling to know that it has finally gone away… i think…

the connection was there, i know it.. but i want to move along nah…

and i cant with the connection tying me down…

but sometimes when i think about it….

i dont want it to end… it WAS the only thing left…

uncorrupted.. pure and unintended….

maybe it has left me to make room for something else..??

if there’s one thing that ive learned from the movie "mean girls" its the "word vomit"… its just like vomit.. you cant keep it in, because its going to come out… and its foul stench just leaves you gagging… instead of food or beer though, its words…

this afternoon, i was cleaning our room when i noticed my sister’s journal on the floor. since its really not in my nature to snoop and read other people’s journals (especially the ones in a notebook), i threw it back to her bed.. unfortunately, the pages opened to the part where i saw my name written in all caps and underlined.. naturally, curiousity got the best of me and i felt i had to look.. so i read her journal.. and that was the biggest mistake of the day..

she called me all sorts of names, and trust me, these are the ones you most definitely dont want to hear.. she enumerated all my exes and passed judgement on them.. she called them all sorts of names from tambay to junkie to what else…and it became apparent from her rantings that she went through my stuff.. stuff as in letters, notes, pictures, gits, souvenirs, receipts, etc.. and all these were neatly stored and filed in my "treasure box" at the most secret spot i could find in our room.. i guess its not so secret after all…

i am sooo freaking mad at her now… you would think, that by reading through this blog, this would be an elder sis or someone who can easily bully me… but heck!! im the eldest sis and i am not easily bullied.. this sly, snoop and tattler is all but a sophomore highskul student..

her audacity to reach into my stuff and read everything and her ignorance on such trivial issues angers me even more…

so what if she wrote all those stuff out of observation..?? i wouldnt mind.. but she is going way overboard by flipping through my box to be a spectator of my life…

it would be perfectly understandable if whatever she wrote in there was constructive, or something that she could learn from… but all the word vomit i could ever use in a month, she wrote in 4 short pages of a journal.. i am not paranoid but i know that she is out to get me…

if she wrote all those stuff out of anger at me or if it was provoked, i wouldnt mind the namecalling.. but why does she have to include other people who managed to make me blissfully happy in the short time that were together, more than what she ever did for me..??

if she only wanted to look out for me and my best interests, was that the perfect way to do that? no!! she could have talked to daphne about it and daphne will definitely talk to me.. (were not talking man gud ni debra.. tagsa ra..)

i have always said to her that there is nothing she can say about me that will ever hurt me.. but writing all those junk in her journal, unprovoked, uncalled for, about the people that i care about, is just plain mean, so not cool….

i am thinking pa, about how to wreak havoc in her own little personal bubble.. because i know this for a fact… she is an insecure, sadist twerp who relishes seeing other people at their lowest…

bantay lng ka..

i am never one to hate jud.. but all this, all the stuff going on.. makes me make a double turn and take on a different outlook.. what is all this..??

they say i need to be strong..  that there are other people out there with far more difficult problems and life threatening crises to deal with and they got over it.. well, theyre different..

im not so strong as i used to think.. not the tough, cool gal that i put on.. its all a show.. my toughness.. my coolness.. beneath the calm demeanor, is a defeated child.. wanting to have a break.. a break from all the crap that has been thrown my way.. and so far, the crap has been pouring on.. nonstop and unforgiving.. will it end?? will it?? make it end..

i am starting to hate life.. and all that it could ever show, give and offer.. what is the point??  will i learn something from all this? its hard to say.. lately, there is nothing left to learn.

i have taken on a different outlook.. maybe it IS too late for me..