talkbackapril

ok… this is getting old.. really old nah.. i keep telling myself its gone, its over, everything has changed. yes, i know that but i just cant help it if it will just crawl its way into my mind and my heart…

a few days back, i made a decision. its about my life and how i should get on with it and just leave everything that happened.  "forgedduboutitt" as they said.. yeah yeah yeah. easy for you guys to say. but yes, ive made a conclusion and i said to myself that it has got to stop. so i did.. and wouldnt you know it.. Mr.Panahon played his dirty tricks on me.. i have not even reached the 24hours leeway time for me and there he goes.. a "darkling" (an omen or some kinda sign) appeared to me in the form of a message.. one message and its enough to shatter my resolve and im back to square one. haaay..

another thing is when you finally decide that its ok, everythings fine with you, you see something (or someone) and you realize that youre only fooling yourself..!!! (note to everyone: change the "yourself" to "myself" and the "you" to "me" or "i" please)

life has its way of giving you crap and when you try to lift yourself up from all that shit, it just flushes you down further..

im trying hard to get rid of all these rotten feelings in my head and heart and body to start my next year right. its what i do every end of the year. but somehow i could not get it all out and theres still  some of it left.

hows a girl ever gona get outa this?? im stuggling to reach the level of immunity that someone has reached and everytime i take one step forward, something comes up that’ll make me slide down two steps back..

i need help.. i admit it.. please give me happy pills, chillax capsules or whatever it is that you think can help me.. maybe see a shrink???

POST SCRIPT:

when the person you love doesnt even care about you, what are you supposed to do?? let go? live on? love n silence?

i think the best way would be to let go, live on and love in silence all at once.

at least theres no resentment and no regrets..

i let go for the both of us 2 grow. who knows? maybe in the future?

i live on  for i also have my own life.

and i will continue to love in silence, for in silence no one can own him but me.

reminiscing about this year’s happenings, i notice my mouth curve into a smile.. =) i am happy that my 2006 started out great.. a whole new experience and perspective laid out in front of me and i decided to take the plunge into the unknown. of course, i discovered love, new friendships, love, new places, and still, love.. its amazing to realize that anywhere i go to, the random faces i see, the uncertain steps to the future that i take, i find myself thinking about someone, associating that thingie with someone, linking that place with someone.. i guess "it" will never go away, this someone… please take note that i said my 2006 STARTED great.. which is more than what i can say for the ending.. its such a shitty and crappy and sucky ending.. maypag walay ending nalang!! i started out with some things and now i am left with nothing.. kinda unfair since i have been soo generous and selfless when it comes to other people.. why do you always do this to me?? (im talking now to MR. PANAHON) it feels like im a lil kid and your the bully, bullying me around with your tests and trials.. well, it’ll only be a matter of time till i get fed up and throw everything to the trash bin where i will be shredded and recycled and nothing will be left of me..

this is sooo frustrating since i always try to start the year fresh.. no malas from the past year, no strained relationships, no forced smiles and PLASTIKAN.. but theres something hanging and unsolved.. no detective from CSI will ever be able to solve it..

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

this song.. WHAT HURTS THE MOST by RASCAL FLATTS..

i have played this song over and over and over again.. it kinda sums up everything i feel now.. hope ya’ll like this also..

when you say promise you try to keep it, right? i know of one person who has never let me down yet. when he says "promise!", i believe in that promise and wait. all the times when he utters that word, that vow, i know that he’ll never let me down. and he never ever let me down..

until now..

am i waiting in vain?

before the inevitable acceptance, he promised me one thing that i truly deserve after all these times. he knew that i needed it for my peace of mind and the retention of my sanity. to this day, he knows all these, plus the fact that im still waiting.

they said that i could be looking for a whole year and he will never give me the time of the day.. faet.. they said that he might be waiting it out,  thinking that i’ll forget the said promise.. they said that i might as well force him so that i’ll get the results immediately..

they could not bear to see me hanging and waiting..probably for nothing..

but no! im insistent and so adamant about this. im gona wait it out. see if he will really do this for me. if not for me, think of the friendship we used to have. i believe so much in him, i dont know why. there is nothing in this world that will ever going to change that. but the question now is:

how long can i wait? how long can i hold on? am i really waiting for nothing? are my efforts all in vain??

i believe in him and even if things are this way now, he wont break his promise…i can wait till my heart stops beating and im gasping for breath.. still waiting..

as the darkenss kicks in and night time slowly wraps itself around its people, i get afraid.. lonely.. and sad..

before i used to welcome the the dark skies and the twinkling lights that glitter in the night.. and an occasional sight of the moon would always make it right..

now, i dread these nights. i prowl the house, looking for something to do.. i turn my phone off to avoid getting and sending messages.. i toss and turn in my bed awaiting for sleep to overcome me.. wheres mr. sandman to put me to sleep?? is he not doing his job.?! is he somewhere else putting another morbid girl to sleep?? is he still buzy with someone else as i waited and waited and the night turns into dawn and until… ALAS! its time to wake up at 2am to go to work..

i get up.. take a shower.. and as i feel the cold water stinging my skin, i realized.. heres to another day of no sleep.. no rest.. and no release..

as the darkenss kicks in and night time slowly wraps itself around its people, i get afraid.. lonely.. and sad..

before i used to welcome the the dark skies and the twinkling lights that glitter in the night.. and an occasional sight of the moon would always make it right..

now, i dread these nights. i prowl the house, looking for something to do.. i turn my phone off to avoid getting and sending messages.. i toss and turn in my bed awaiting for sleep to overcome me.. wheres mr. sandman to put me to sleep?? is he not doing his job.?! is he somewhere else putting another morbid girl to sleep?? is he still buzy with someone else as i waited and waited and the night turns into dawn and until… ALAS! its time to wake up at 2am to go to work..

i get up.. take a shower.. and as i feel the cold water stinging my skin, i realized.. heres to another day of no sleep.. no rest.. and no release..