talkbackapril

i am never one to hate jud.. but all this, all the stuff going on.. makes me make a double turn and take on a different outlook.. what is all this..??

they say i need to be strong..  that there are other people out there with far more difficult problems and life threatening crises to deal with and they got over it.. well, theyre different..

im not so strong as i used to think.. not the tough, cool gal that i put on.. its all a show.. my toughness.. my coolness.. beneath the calm demeanor, is a defeated child.. wanting to have a break.. a break from all the crap that has been thrown my way.. and so far, the crap has been pouring on.. nonstop and unforgiving.. will it end?? will it?? make it end..

i am starting to hate life.. and all that it could ever show, give and offer.. what is the point??  will i learn something from all this? its hard to say.. lately, there is nothing left to learn.

i have taken on a different outlook.. maybe it IS too late for me..

desperation.. see where it leads you..

feeling weary and and defeated,  i sigh with a heavy heart..

when will my sweet release come??

i need it now..

can i go now..??

to the black depths of hell, is my destination..

will you go with me..?

hating this life, i am defeated..

hating myself, i am cursed..

cursed to the bones.. to the deepest recesses of the earth..

unable to change my stars, that’s how it will be..

now and forever..

no matter how much you try to run away from your past..

one day, the past will catch up with you..

tried, tested and proven theory. as much as i hate to admit it, it is true.

and even if they say that i should not get affected, or atleast show to them that iam…           its not so easy especially if all my life, ive been trying hard to run away.

and it is so easy for them to say these things because first of all, they don’t know how it feels.. and second they are just trying to make me feel better, which by the way, theyre doing a hell of a job..

these things hunt me.. day and night…

every waking moment and even in my dreams..

and to think there are no traces, no evidences of what used to be….

and they can easily escape.. but not me… not me…

hey… who are you??

oh!

dont recognize you anymore..

youve changed…

so i see youve been doing good eh..??

no.?? it doesnt show.. why are you depressed??

i see.. think you can handle it all??

i think so too… what you planning to do bout it..??

nothing?!  that’s a passive outlook if i may say..

what’s that..? what you doin with a knife??

wait, no!!!

it hurts.. my face.. its bleeding..

i cant stop my hand from hurting my face..

i want it to stop but i cant..

how..??

white tiles turn to crimson as blood drips from my face..

spinning room.. turning black.. am i getting dizzy??

loud clang as steel hits the tiles..

blood everywhere.. i hate blood..

scrambling away, i turned to look at the face in the mirror..

who are you???