talkbackapril

desperation.. see where it leads you..

feeling weary and and defeated,  i sigh with a heavy heart..

when will my sweet release come??

i need it now..

can i go now..??

to the black depths of hell, is my destination..

will you go with me..?

hating this life, i am defeated..

hating myself, i am cursed..

cursed to the bones.. to the deepest recesses of the earth..

unable to change my stars, that’s how it will be..

now and forever..

no matter how much you try to run away from your past..

one day, the past will catch up with you..

tried, tested and proven theory. as much as i hate to admit it, it is true.

and even if they say that i should not get affected, or atleast show to them that iam…           its not so easy especially if all my life, ive been trying hard to run away.

and it is so easy for them to say these things because first of all, they don’t know how it feels.. and second they are just trying to make me feel better, which by the way, theyre doing a hell of a job..

these things hunt me.. day and night…

every waking moment and even in my dreams..

and to think there are no traces, no evidences of what used to be….

and they can easily escape.. but not me… not me…

hey… who are you??

oh!

dont recognize you anymore..

youve changed…

so i see youve been doing good eh..??

no.?? it doesnt show.. why are you depressed??

i see.. think you can handle it all??

i think so too… what you planning to do bout it..??

nothing?!  that’s a passive outlook if i may say..

what’s that..? what you doin with a knife??

wait, no!!!

it hurts.. my face.. its bleeding..

i cant stop my hand from hurting my face..

i want it to stop but i cant..

how..??

white tiles turn to crimson as blood drips from my face..

spinning room.. turning black.. am i getting dizzy??

loud clang as steel hits the tiles..

blood everywhere.. i hate blood..

scrambling away, i turned to look at the face in the mirror..

who are you???

recently, my lola died. it was not a tragic death, we were actually waiting for it to happen. you see, she was really old already and senile. she had alzheimer’s disease. everytime we would go visit, it breaks our hearts to see her shriveling and being stuck in her own little world where she thinks she’s a girl and her mom is there to spank her. i couldnt take it sometimes and i would just have to harden my heart and turn my head away.

i used to picture her before when she used to tell us stories of her youth and about the war.. at that time, we worshipped her for she used to weave her magic of stories upon us as we sat there staring up at her and listening intently, careful not to miss a word..

now, i am confident that she has taken her place among the stars that represent all other good lolas and lolos in this earth..

i will look up to the night sky with a smile on my face as i picture her there….

i hate being lied to. . weeellll, i know at some point in our lives weve managed a little white lie or an outright pangingilad to some of the people who cared for us ..  but being lied to, deliberately without any reason and no justification whatosever is soooo not cool..

i find myself asking this question.. "why did he had to lie??"  and the answer just popped out at me in the tv show that i was trying hard to focus on.. "FEAR" is the answer..

a lot of us might not admit it, but the only reason that we ever lie is because of FEAR. fear of being ridiculed, of getting the same old scolding, of getting the same comments, of being an outcast, etc, ladidah…

i guess it was my fault that i was being my usual kulit self and he was cornerned and he was forced to give out an answer to a question that he was never prepared to answer in the first place.. thus the LIE..

then the confrontation.. i hate that!!!! they always start this game of lying and here i am, a fool, who play the game head-on with no inkling whatsover about the heartache and the crushing pain that tags along with it.. PUCHA!!!! oh yeah, the confrontation? he admitted it all.. the lies and the hiding behind me back.. whoooh… you should have seen the sheepish look he gave me… could’ve fooled me…

he gave me a pack of alibis, a case of excuses and a thousand sorries if you could count.. and lil old me believed in it.. i choose to forget everything that ive seen, heard and found out.. its better that way…

the thing is, i dont wana be angry.. anger is fruitless for me, especially for me since i always forget who i was angry at, and more importantly, why…….

in the words of the famous wise Jedi master: "fear is the path to anger, anger leads to pain, pain leads to suffering!" or somekinda like that.. and who would want to suffer?  i dont!!!! i have suffered enough and my tears cannot be paid for ever again by some sweet talk..

so i am making a big deal out of it.. and so what?? I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO, DAMMIT!!! you might not see my point in all this crazy talk and i don’t care! i just wana vent and let it all out.. otherwise, you might see me one of these days, holding a beer bottle and going a lil crazy… to hell with it!!!  I WOULD RATHER HAVE A BEER INSTEAD!!!!

i hate being lied to. . weeellll, i know at some point in our lives weve managed a little white lie or an outright pangingilad to some of the people who cared for us ..  but being lied to, deliberately without any reason and no justification whatosever is soooo not cool..

i find myself asking this question.. "why did he had to lie??"  and the answer just popped out at me in the tv show that i was trying hard to focus on.. "FEAR" is the answer..

a lot of us might not admit it, but the only reason that we ever lie is because of FEAR. fear of being ridiculed, of getting the same old scolding, of getting the same comments, of being an outcast, etc, ladidah…

i guess it was my fault that i was being my usual kulit self and he was cornerned and he was forced to give out an answer to a question that he was never prepared to answer in the first place.. thus the LIE..

then the confrontation.. i hate that!!!! they always start this game of lying and here i am, a fool, who play the game head-on with no inkling whatsover about the heartache and the crushing pain that tags along with it.. PUCHA!!!! oh yeah, the confrontation? he admitted it all.. the lies and the hiding behind me back.. whoooh… you should have seen the sheepish look he gave me… could’ve fooled me…

he gave me a pack of alibis, a case of excuses and a thousand sorries if you could count.. and lil old me believed in it.. i choose to forget everything that ive seen, heard and found out.. its better that way…

the thing is, i dont wana be angry.. anger is fruitless for me, especially for me since i always forget who i was angry at, and more importantly, why…….

in the words of the famous wise Jedi master: "fear is the path to anger, anger leads to pain, pain leads to suffering!" or somekinda like that.. and who would want to suffer?  i dont!!!! i have suffered enough and my tears cannot be paid for ever again by some sweet talk..

so i am making a big deal out of it.. and so what?? I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO, DAMMIT!!! you might not see my point in all this crazy talk and i don’t care! i just wana vent and let it all out.. otherwise, you might see me one of these days, holding a beer bottle and going a lil crazy… to hell with it!!!  I WOULD RATHER HAVE A BEER INSTEAD!!!!

so i was not supposed to meet someone like you anymore.. why did i have to?? is fate so twisted that he would taunt me of something that i knew that im not supposed to have???

yes, i said that we should never have met.. its because a few years back, i traded my happiness for someone else’s. i made a deal with god that if he will provide a nice and loving family for this someone that i care about, he can forget about giving me my happiness, my dreams, my goals. so i bargained all that i have going for me for this person.. i knew then that if he is satisfied and contented, then i am satisfied and contented too, regardless if i am alone or miserable with someone.

i was ok for most of the time..i knew then that god did his part of the bargain and i am doing mine.. not living, merely existing…

but then i met you.. and i started to wonder that maybe god gave me an ounce of pity and decided to keep his end of the deal while giving me a shot at true happiness.. don’t be fooled, i thought about it for soooo many nights and i lied on my bed, for how many sleepless nights, thinking that maybe it was time for me to stop punishing myself and give my loseric life a break.. and i thought that maybe god does want me to be happy..  i thought about this for almost 10 weeks and when i made my decision to get out of my shell and risk everything that’s left of me, i was truly and insanely happy.

for months, i experienced what it felt like to be treated with respect and love. i looked into your eyes and i feel like i was home..  my song at that time was "lost in your eyes"..  there was never a moment that i got mad at you.. we used to say that "love  means never asking for forgiveness or be forgiven, merely understood and accepted".. i really believed in this even up to now..

but for some weird curve of events, everything changed. i did not see it coming but it happened. and now i am left to ponder what my future will be like without you..

at first i thought that god is not at all like that!!! so taunting, teasing and taking everything i had.. it took some time but yes, i finally saw it..

now i really believed that im not meant to be happy. i knew now that god was just testing me, making me feel and taste what i deliberately let go of.. true happiness..

so that is why im saying that we should never have met. and im saying now that go ahead, live a happy and healthy life without  me. im not meant to be in the picture..  all because of a deal i made to god, something that both of us should keep..

now, if something or someone else comes my way, im just gona sit back, out of reach, out of my grasp where it will be out of my poor frigging life. im not sure if i have the strength anymore. what was left of me was drained this last time.. and if i reach out once more, there will be nothing left for me to nurture..

"so don’t you go worrying about me. its not like i think about you constantly. so maybe i do. but that should not affect your life anymore. i knew it the moment you walked into the door."

"and i will let you get the best of me. coz theres nothing else that i do well."

I was seven and you were nine, I looked

at you like the stars that shined in the

sky, the pretty lights.

And our daddies used to joke about the

two of us growing up and falling in love.

Our mamas smiled and rolled their eyes.

Take me back to the house in the
backyard tree.

Said you’d beat me up, you were bigger
than me. You never did.

Take me back when our world was one
block wide. I dared you to kiss me and
ran when you tried. Just two kids, you
and I.

I was sixteen when suddenly I wasn’t
that little girl you used to see, but
your eyes still shined like pretty
lights, and our daddies used to joke
about the two of us.

They never believed we’d really fall in
love, and our mamas smiled and rolled
their eyes.

Take me back to the creek beds we turned
up. Two A.M. riding in your truck, and
all I need is you next to me.

Take me back to the time we had our very
first fight. The slamming of doors
instead of kissing goodnight. You stayed
outside til the morning light.

A few years had gone and come around. We
were sitting at our favorite spot in
town. And you looked at me, got down on
one knee.

Take me back to the time when we walked
down the aisle. Our whole town came and
our mamas cried. You said I do and I did
too.

Take me home where we met so many years
before. We’ll rock our babies on that
very front porch. After all this time,
you and I.

I’ll be eighty-seven; you’ll be
eighty-nine. I’ll still look at you like
the stars that shine in the sky.

I was seven and you were nine, I looked

at you like the stars that shined in the

sky, the pretty lights.

And our daddies used to joke about the

two of us growing up and falling in love.

Our mamas smiled and rolled their eyes.

Take me back to the house in the
backyard tree.

Said you’d beat me up, you were bigger
than me. You never did.

Take me back when our world was one
block wide. I dared you to kiss me and
ran when you tried. Just two kids, you
and I.

I was sixteen when suddenly I wasn’t
that little girl you used to see, but
your eyes still shined like pretty
lights, and our daddies used to joke
about the two of us.

They never believed we’d really fall in
love, and our mamas smiled and rolled
their eyes.

Take me back to the creek beds we turned
up. Two A.M. riding in your truck, and
all I need is you next to me.

Take me back to the time we had our very
first fight. The slamming of doors
instead of kissing goodnight. You stayed
outside til the morning light.

A few years had gone and come around. We
were sitting at our favorite spot in
town. And you looked at me, got down on
one knee.

Take me back to the time when we walked
down the aisle. Our whole town came and
our mamas cried. You said I do and I did
too.

Take me home where we met so many years
before. We’ll rock our babies on that
very front porch. After all this time,
you and I.

I’ll be eighty-seven; you’ll be
eighty-nine. I’ll still look at you like
the stars that shine in the sky.